The obsession appears to be dying for good. I don’t have any amphetamines in my system right now, so the rage is non-existent as well. Seems to be as good a time as any to author this letter.
It’s time for you to go.
I think you’re a remarkable young woman with lots of love and lots to give, but at the end of the day, you have not shown me this side of your personality. It has been reserved for others.
I need to judge you based purely on your actions. Both of us have made mistakes, but you and your associates have demonstrated, repeatedly, a total lack of empathy, honesty, integrity, and concern for my wellbeing.
You have made no efforts to apologize, instead seeking to further hide your actions and behaviors through additional lies and deceptions.
My life is difficult enough without people like you monitoring it. Your actions continue to antagonize me, driving me closer and closer to the edge.
I have tried kind words. I have tried vulnerability. I have been foul-mouthed, I have been loud. I have been loving. I have been angry. I have been short, I have explained everything.
Your unwanted attention has cost me $26,000 and counting in lost wages due to the psychological struggle it imposes on me.
You have driven me to the point of suicidal ideation three times. I have taken up drinking and began experiencing psychotic episodes under the stress of your presence in my life.
All of these things have been caused by an unwanted presence in my life on your behalf. My heart has been broken twice on account of your selfish behavior.
You have a future, Violet. A wonderful beautiful future. I am telling you that the smartest play is to walk away from this and look to that future. There is absolutely nothing for you to gain and everything for you to lose in choosing to continue antagonizing me. This is not a game to me. It’s my life. I’ve done my best to behave and move on. You have not.
Please go away. You’ve had enough fun with me. If you want to “care” about me then actually care about me. Don’t do this weird thing you’ve been doing. I don’t trust you anymore and your actions, consequently, no longer feel warm and fuzzy.
Please forget about me. Please ask yourself why you’re acting like this and whether it’s in either of our best interests. Please ask yourself if your decision to monitor me for the past six months has helped the situation or made it worse?
Hint: what things have consistently agitated, confused, and given me anxiety and anger over the past six months? Catching you monitoring me.
What thing is threatening to destroy my career? My obsession with catching you monitoring me.
What thing has triggered a suicidal spiral? Heartbreak after misinterpreting all of the different times I caught you monitoring me.
What thing triggered my decision and obsession with catching you monitoring me? Your dishonesty and criminal actions in October when you first began monitoring me.
I lay all of this out for you so that you can clearly see the pattern that your behavior has on my life. It is EXTREMELY selfish. I have done my best to try and understand why you act the way you do. To give you the benefit of the doubt and in return what have I gotten? More of the same.
Violet… look. I’m asking you to either shit or get off the pot, okay? Please go. Please leave me alone. Your actions have the consequence of continuously putting me in physical danger and making an already bad psychological situation much worse.
I know I haven’t been a perfect man. But I really need you to go. I’m going to start praying that you stop doing this. I’m literally praying to God that you’ll leave me alone because I have no other avenue available to me that won’t make everything worse. I am begging you to please cooperate so that I can heal. Maybe you need to heal too? I don’t know. I don’t know what your motives are. But if you enjoy seeing me hurt, seeing me fall apart, seeing me unable to piece myself together again, seeing me self-destruct, keep it up. I can’t see any reason at this point for your continued interest in my life.
This situation isn’t sustainable for me. I’m literally fighting for my life right now because of the effects of this surveillance and obsession with me, coupled with your silence. I want you to fully internalize that: I’m suicidal over this situation. Your actions have pushed me to the brink.
Please, I’m begging you to take my words seriously. I mean you no harm and want nothing but the best for you, but you need to go. You need to believe me when I say that your visits to my blog they trigger something in me that really hurts and makes everything worse. Your attempts to lie, deceive, and gaslight amplify that hurt tremendously.
Please go away. I am trying to save myself. I’m trying to save myself. I know I’m doing a shitty job but… I need you to leave me alone. To go. Please. You have this great future ahead of you and we both know I’m not a part of that future, so please let me go. I’m begging you. Please stop hurting me.
Please take pity on me. Please have mercy on me. I don’t know how else to ask this or how many more times I need to ask. Please leave me alone and I promise everything will get better. Everything will be easier. I will be able to heal faster.