Navigate / search

Take Pity on Me

Dear Violet,

The obsession appears to be dying for good. I don’t have any amphetamines in my system right now, so the rage is non-existent as well. Seems to be as good a time as any to author this letter.

It’s time for you to go.

I think you’re a remarkable young woman with lots of love and lots to give, but at the end of the day, you have not shown me this side of your personality. It has been reserved for others.

I need to judge you based purely on your actions. Both of us have made mistakes, but you and your associates have demonstrated, repeatedly, a total lack of empathy, honesty, integrity, and concern for my wellbeing.

You have made no efforts to apologize, instead seeking to further hide your actions and behaviors through additional lies and deceptions.

My life is difficult enough without people like you monitoring it. Your actions continue to antagonize me, driving me closer and closer to the edge.

I have tried kind words. I have tried vulnerability. I have been foul-mouthed, I have been loud. I have been loving. I have been angry. I have been short, I have explained everything.

Your unwanted attention has cost me $26,000 and counting in lost wages due to the psychological struggle it imposes on me.

You have driven me to the point of suicidal ideation three times. I have taken up drinking and began experiencing psychotic episodes under the stress of your presence in my life.

All of these things have been caused by an unwanted presence in my life on your behalf. My heart has been broken twice on account of your selfish behavior.

You have a future, Violet. A wonderful beautiful future. I am telling you that the smartest play is to walk away from this and look to that future. There is absolutely nothing for you to gain and everything for you to lose in choosing to continue antagonizing me. This is not a game to me. It’s my life. I’ve done my best to behave and move on. You have not.

Please go away. You’ve had enough fun with me. If you want to “care” about me then actually care about me. Don’t do this weird thing you’ve been doing. I don’t trust you anymore and your actions, consequently, no longer feel warm and fuzzy.

Please forget about me. Please ask yourself why you’re acting like this and whether it’s in either of our best interests. Please ask yourself if your decision to monitor me for the past six months has helped the situation or made it worse?

Hint: what things have consistently agitated, confused, and given me anxiety and anger over the past six months? Catching you monitoring me.

What thing is threatening to destroy my career? My obsession with catching you monitoring me.

What thing has triggered a suicidal spiral? Heartbreak after misinterpreting all of the different times I caught you monitoring me.

What thing triggered my decision and obsession with catching you monitoring me? Your dishonesty and criminal actions in October when you first began monitoring me.

I lay all of this out for you so that you can clearly see the pattern that your behavior has on my life. It is EXTREMELY selfish. I have done my best to try and understand why you act the way you do. To give you the benefit of the doubt and in return what have I gotten? More of the same.

Violet… look. I’m asking you to either shit or get off the pot, okay? Please go. Please leave me alone. Your actions have the consequence of continuously putting me in physical danger and making an already bad psychological situation much worse.

I know I haven’t been a perfect man. But I really need you to go. I’m going to start praying that you stop doing this. I’m literally praying to God that you’ll leave me alone because I have no other avenue available to me that won’t make everything worse. I am begging you to please cooperate so that I can heal. Maybe you need to heal too? I don’t know. I don’t know what your motives are. But if you enjoy seeing me hurt, seeing me fall apart, seeing me unable to piece myself together again, seeing me self-destruct, keep it up. I can’t see any reason at this point for your continued interest in my life.

This situation isn’t sustainable for me. I’m literally fighting for my life right now because of the effects of this surveillance and obsession with me, coupled with your silence. I want you to fully internalize that: I’m suicidal over this situation. Your actions have pushed me to the brink.

Please, I’m begging you to take my words seriously. I mean you no harm and want nothing but the best for you, but you need to go. You need to believe me when I say that your visits to my blog they trigger something in me that really hurts and makes everything worse. Your attempts to lie, deceive, and gaslight amplify that hurt tremendously.

Please go away. I am trying to save myself. I’m trying to save myself. I know I’m doing a shitty job but… I need you to leave me alone. To go. Please. You have this great future ahead of you and we both know I’m not a part of that future, so please let me go. I’m begging you. Please stop hurting me.

Please take pity on me. Please have mercy on me. I don’t know how else to ask this or how many more times I need to ask. Please leave me alone and I promise everything will get better. Everything will be easier. I will be able to heal faster.

Please,

gv

Don’t Move

Sleep schedule is all messed up now.

Sleep in until 1 on most days. Take naps at odd hours. Don’t want to leave the house; only time I do anymore is to buy more alcohol. Nothing good out there for me. Just pain, disappointment.

I know I’m not rational right now. I know a normal healthy functioning human being doesn’t act this way. But part of me wonders “why bother trying to do that anymore? You’ve never been healthy and functioning, just pretending. And people can always see through the lie.”

I hope you’re okay. I hope things are going well for you and I hope you’re happy. I want to get to a point where these posts… where I won’t need em. Where I’ll just be so caught up and happy that I won’t need em.

I may need to learn how to write actual poetry. The rhyming takes my mind off things. It’s stimulating, in a way. If only I had something less pitiful and depressing to rhyme about.

I want to be strong. I want to be normal. I don’t want pity. I don’t want sympathy. I want love.

I want to be the kind of man that someone can trust to lead a family through hell or high water. I just want to get on with my life but I just… I honestly and sincerely don’t know if it’s possible. I just don’t see a point in trying again and again when I always screw everything up. I don’t have trust or confidence that I’m actually getting better. I think I’m just convincing myself I’m getting better. Imagining things.

I feel like this already disappointing road isn’t going to lead to real healing or progress, just more squandered years and more disappointment and hurt.

I am not optimistic about my recovery or the ability of anyone to understand or help.

This isn’t your problem, Violet. I hope you understand that. Nobody is asking you to stick around and watch me mope. I’m not asking. But that also means I’m not censoring my thoughts or filtering them to paint an untrue rosy picture to try and win you back. I know I can’t.

I don’t know if my obsessive behaviors are on the decline because of chemical shifts in my brain or just abandoning hope and the sheer pain. Recognizing that nothing I see or think I see actually means anything, it never did and it never will. It’s hard to know if I’m just less interested in EVERYTHING at this point.

Part of the reason I’m waiting is to give the meds time to kick in. The other part is that I no longer have the motivation to do anything else. Binge watching show after show. Just…

Holding on. Just holding on. Can’t do anything else. Don’t want to make the pain worse. Don’t want to hope more. Don’t want to be disappointed more. Don’t want to hurt more.

It’s like when you’ve suffered a major wound, if you move you make it worse.

Thoughts

Obsession is gone. Compulsive behaviors almost completely gone.

I do have feelings for you I think, even without the drugs messing with my head. But the drugs amplified those feelings into weird territory. They magnified what was there into something twisted and obsessive.

I’m not doing so great. Depression is heavy. Still drinking to forget, mostly to forget what a fool I’ve been. But still, progress is progress. I wasn’t able to focus on the depression when I was compulsively obsessed with you.

I just need to hang on. Keep holding on. Keep fighting. Give the drugs more time.

Foggy

Emotional state is foggy. Not sure how I feel about anything. I don’t know if my leave ever got approved. Staying home.

Agony isn’t present right now. Which is good. Rumination is still happening but I don’t know if that’s because I can’t shift my thoughts or have nothing to shift them to.

Spending most of my day in bed. Need to hang on.

Obsessive compulsions seem to be coming under control more easily but… no. That’s a win. No buts. That’s a win. Things are really really shitty right now, absolutely fucking terrible. But the rage is almost completely gone. The obsessiveness is dying or seems to be over the past day.

Just doing my best to stay grounded, it’s a bad situation but at least I seem stable ish. Suicidal thoughts are just that; they stop at “I wish I was dead” or “I wish I had never been born” and no longer make it farther into any sort of planning phase.

Huge temptation to drink. Not always able to resist. Room is absolutely filthy now. Drinking gives me something to do besides video games and movies.

Just need to hold on. Just need more time.

Good things continuing plus a theory

Was up until 4 talking with Mike about the change in my emotions. I had energy. Enthusiasm.

Indifference is pretty consistent right now. Granted, I haven’t taken adderall yet today and likely won’t take any.

Current operating theory is that the Zoloft is building up in my system to the point where I feel this way (indifferent, not in love) if I don’t take adderall. If I take adderall then it still tips me into love mode a bit, but I think as the Zoloft builds up further it will be able to balance out the adderall.

This is pretty promising. I’m not saying I’m 100% better or fixed or recovered but this is absolutely absolutely a step in the right direction. A huge step.

Something good and weird is going on

Weird situation where I’m finding myself growing increasingly indifferent about all the stuff that’s happened, and by extension: you. First began feeling this yesterday. Then today I got some major heartache that lasted for most of the day. Then a little past midnight it went away again. It passed.

I suspect the aching will return from time to time. If the indifference grows more frequent, the obsessiveness should also stop, along with the compulsive behaviors.

This back and forth between pain and indifference is obnoxious but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. It’s really weird to me how my heart can go from aching REALLY badly to not feeling any pain at all. Maybe god does answer prayers? If this continues at a rapid pace as it seems to be, it would mark one of the single fastest recoveries from a heartbreak I’ve ever had.

This is also starting to shed some very disturbing (to me) light on how much of my “love” was essentially a side effect of my amphetamines. When I take that pill, the woman I’m interested doesn’t have to do anything to earn my undying loyalty whether she wants it or not. My devotion is automatic. It’s almost like cheating and it’s extremely weird.

I’m starting to think how strange it would be if I somehow wound up with one of these earlier women and I stopped taking adderall after the marriage or started an antidepressant and suddenly no longer was in love with her once the drug and its dopamine saturation was gone.

This is weird. This is REALLY weird. This morning I was like “yeah Violet’s alright” and was chill about things. Then I took an adderall and in the middle of the day the sky was falling because I wasn’t with her and the compulsion to check server logs came back. Then wayyy later, now, I feel like I did this morning and for parts of last night.

This is going hand in hand with my asking myself “why am I getting mad about this?”

This is REALLY weird—imagine if one moment you were deeply in Love with someone, like you would quit your job for them or give them all your money without skipping a beat. Then imagine an hour later you don’t really have any feelings for them. Then a few hours after that you’re deeply in love. Now, love/hate is an understandable dichotomy to swing between. But absolute idealized love to indifference? That’s weird man. That’s definitely something chemical going on there.

So I’m not in love with you right now. I may be in love with you again in a few hours, so don’t hold your breath. Note that the “is there even a point in living?” crap goes hand in hand with my romantic attraction to you; as I become indifferent, the suicidal ideation vanishes. I don’t think that I’m going to swing back to being so in love with you that I’m a danger to myself or anyone else, since things generally seem to be moving away from the madly in love part.

Man, this whole thing is effing weird. This is REALLY weird. My behavior seems REALLY weird to me right now but just a few hours ago it made sense. This whole situation is effing WEIRDING me out. Like I was chill af for a few posts and then the love came back and I was like “oh no I can’t bare to write anymore woe is my heart” and then now I’m just like “you know imma document this shiz because this pretty effing interesting to me”

The hell has been going on up in my brain all these years??? I want to go meet some women or something. This is weird. A few hours ago I didn’t like… man what the FUCK is going on?

What the hell? Do I actually have feelings for you or not? What the fuck? Why do I not care right now? Like at this very moment I don’t give a rats ass about your wedding to him (no offense to you), I mean maybe a little but it’s not like…. good criminy, this morning I was effing posting about how I can’t give up hope and how I keep hoping it will be broken off and then now… now I’m like “this wedding does not impact my life in any material or significant way”.

And I bet you, I bet you tomorrow at some point I’m going to swing back to being madly in love. Or something. What the fuck?

I’m not making this up? Something is… why don’t I care right now? Is it the adderall or the Zoloft?

Why don’t I care all of a sudden? I was writing fucking suicide poetry not 4 or 5 hours ago. What the hell? What is the deal here?

I’m sorry for the swearing this isn’t coming from a place of rage for once, but to express legitimate bafflement at what I’m trying to understand.

I posted something about how dopamine being high and serotonin being low are how a man’s brain looks when he’s deeply in love; and commented that’s how my brain was when I was strung out on adderall or Vyvanse. Is this shit here going on because I’m taking my brain out of love mode with the serotonin from the Zoloft?

Man. This is going to be an interesting week or two as this continues to build up in my system and I see how my attitude towards literally everything I thought I felt about you and women in general changes.

Weird. This is weird. I mean it’s good right? Like this is what I wanted? To get over you? It just seems too easy and fast. Like, I don’t trust it you know? Like I’m worried this is placebo or something. That it’s not real.

But what if it IS real though?

Good heavens. It would change everything.

Everything.

Is this the miracle I’ve been praying for all my life?

Uh oh. I feel the spirit.

Okay. Curbing my enthusiasm. Let’s see how shit plays out over the next few days and weeks. Cautious optimism?

Pray for me. My gosh. Pray for me. This needs to be real.

Dead Man Walking

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I hear the souls of the damned whisper under their breath

I hear them rattling their cages, pounding their feet
“Dead man walking! Give up and embrace your defeat!”

I walk towards the light, I need to get out of this place
I hear the children of perdition mocking his grace

“You’ve failed and you’re broken, they think you’re disgusting
You’re so fucking old, it’s a wonder you’re not rusting”

Now I’ve got tears in my eyes as I fall to my knees
Can barely see the hangman’s noose waving in the breeze

Now the demon in me, this fury in my heart
He begins to raise his voice, he wants to say his part

“Give in to the rage, they already think you’re evil
You can’t resist forever, anger is primeval…”

I shake my head; “No I won’t give in, I can’t give in”
“It will only make things worse, and my wrath is a sin”

I fight the tears, find my feet, I struggle to move on
Wind is blowing, souls are howling, warmth in me is gone

I got Satan in my ears, he’s whispering to me
“Greg, you’re worthless with or without sin, though, can’t you see?”

Try to fight the tears again, where’s that iron rod?
They’re screaming “DEAD MAN WALKING” and I’m starting to nod.

“Doesn’t matter what you do, you’ll never get ahead.
Who could love a bitch like you, you can’t get out of bed!”

Stumble through the darkness, seem to have lost the light
I hear the someone in the distance singing “Choose the Right”

My family all together, 1993
FHE is starting, singing verses one through three

Laughing and we’re loving, things were oh so simple then
Before the dating, before the hatred, way back when

Fast forward to the present, now Satan’s at my side
Ignore my dad’s text, Vodka takes me for a ride

“You let them down you failed them like only you know how”
I knock back the liquor, “Morgan was married by now.”

The truth knocks me to the ground, back in the valley now
“Can never tell the truth, you can only disavow.”

Roll over to my stomach, get back onto my knees
Dick in my face, shut my eyes, that asshole was a skeeze.

Back on my feet, he’s screaming, the demon in my heart
“THEY DESERVE IT NOW UNLEASH ME, BRING IT TO A START”

“DON’T TRY TO FIGHT AND DON’T RESIST, I CAN MAKE THEM PAY!
DON’T PRETEND LIKE YOU WOULD HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY!”

Grunting as I push him back, the monster in my soul
“CAN’T YOU SEE, GREG, I AM THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS HOLE!”

Now his voice is silent, but there’s poison in the air
Feel so weak, I’m puking, blood and vomit everywhere

Perdition chants, they’re calling for me oh so loud
“You’ve fucked up everything now you’re alone in the crowd”

“Nobody ever wants you, you’re a fucking disease
You missed your chance, you blew it, now back on your knees”

Boot to the back, I’m reeling, my hands can’t catch a ledge
Fly off the cliff and through the rocks, wind up in a hedge.

Lucifer is coming, has a chainsaw in his hands
“Embrace your death, you’re finished, you have nowhere to go”

“Nobody really loves you, nobody ever will”
“That’s why you have no friends, Greg, you’re mentally ill”

Tears are back, no stopping them, the devil’s at my back
Fighting for my life in my mind, I’m under attack

God almighty help me, I’m fighting for my life
Slowly dying in my bed, under satan’s knife

Fighting here, I’m fighting, as I have for twenty years
Starting to fall victim to my deep and darkest fears

I hear them now, I feel them, they’re SCREAMING in the night
“DEAD MAN WALKING GIVE UP! YOU CAN *NEVER* WIN THIS FIGHT”

Heart is breaking, brain is fried, can hardly feel my hands
Demons all around me, jabbing red-hot fire brands

Branded as a LOSER, I’m branded as DISTURBING
Branded as a STALKER, and then the knife keeps turning

RAPIST brand, MURDER brand, a danger to them all
Understand my place now, for this is what they call

Tears in my eyes never stop, leaking like a sieve
Was this in my plan, God? Really? Hard to believe

Curled up inside my covers, my only retreat
Trembling as I mutter that this is my defeat

Pain of a hundred heartbreaks, slamming back to back
Wedding bells are ringing, it’s a marriage attack

Every invite stinging, happy couples everywhere
So I hide inside my room, no happiness in there

These evil whispers in my mind, they never go away
“You’re a dead man walking, and there is no other way”

The Question

Lord I have a question I’d like to pose unto thee
But first let’s recount my service on bended knee

I’ve defended thy gospel with a Danite’s zeal
Broken bread for the sick, gave them blessings to heal

I’ve visited thy children in their great hours of need
An instrument in thy hands to nourish thy flock and feed

Done my best to honor thy holy priesthood power
To battle temptation, be honest, obey each hour

I’ve turned whole congregations’ hearts unto thee
A vessel for the spirit to speak and help others to see

I flew across the country, entered dens of sin
To rescue lost children, to convert from within

I’ve endured hard things all my life on your behalf
Been made to feel worthless, only good for a laugh

I’ve given much money directly unto thee,
As well as in secret when nobody could see

I’ve never been perfect, God I know but I try
And so thy sons great gift I do try to apply

So answer me this, lord, please God, answer this cry
Why my pleadings for love do you always deny?

Why even have experiences so “revelatory”?
It’s still the same ending to every story

Is any of this real, did I fall for a con?
I gave all I had, and now I’m almost gone

Where are the blessings thou didst promise me?
Was the whole thing for nothing in eternity?

God I am broken, my faith has nearly gone out
Others gain blessings, yet thy commandments they flout

Thy justice feels lacking, thy mercy seems phony
Please just help me to know it’s not all baloney

I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life on a lie
As my hearts desire you always seem to deny

Now thy servant doth spend most days curled up in his bed
Fighting both devils and demons that live in his head

If thou art real, then make thy hand known unto me
Or else strike me down now and cast my ashes to sea

If I have provoked thy wrath, then just kill me now
no strength to go further by the sweat of my brown

Save me now, Lord, or strike me down; it doesn’t matter
My willpower is gone, and my faith is a tatter

By miracle or death, it makes no difference to me
Just do something to stop this lifelong agony

Samaritan

How can something I imagined up in my brain…
How can my imagination cause such REAL pain

If it was all in my head from the very start
Then what’s with this aching I feel in my heart?

Have I finally been broken by something unreal?
By a phantasmal love I made up just to feel?

If each trial we endure well makes us grow stronger,
Why’s the hurt this time seem to be lingering longer?

If “time heals all wounds”, which is what they always say
why does this pain feel more real with each passing day?

The wallowing whimpers of a pitiful man
Mourning a relationship that never began

Now it’s the lowest point in my mortal existence
Concocting a love for emotional subsistence

Where do I turn to lord, to whom should I go
I feel so much shame for these tears as they flow

Embarrassment, loathing, and desperation too
As I choke on this serving of reality stew

Help me dear god, my mind must be broken in half
Where I saw love, others saw a joke and a laugh

I’ve done my best to do right by your son’s example
Turned the cheek, prayed hard, when the loss was so ample

When will you bless me, my Lord, I thought I was due
But the blessings between trials grow increasingly few

When will you fix my mind Lord, when will I find love
When will thy spirit descend in the form of a dove

When I try all I do is embarrass everyone
When I try all they do is turn around and run

I’m so alone, dear Lord, I’m broken and bleeding
Decades of loss and all hope is receding

It’s sad I saw love in a judicial order
Gathering false hope like an emotional hoarder

God you’ve parted seas, you can flood island nations
I give you my tortured heart in solemn oblation

Give me a miracle now, maybe something to ease
The agony, the aching; or love if you please

I don’t understand love or know where it comes from
But Everyone else has it, and I’d really like some

God I’m spent. I am broken. I have nothing to give
I’d imagined good things to find the will to live

Please my dear lord for once give me something real
Something other than pain, hurt and anger to feel

If I must be healed first then I ask please make it so
If it’s something else, my God, then please let me know

Be mindful of me in my mortal weakness now
I lack the strength for much more than speaking this vow

God I don’t even know what to ask for anymore
I’ve tried everything, and now I’m broke at the core

I’m parched, beat and dying on the side of the road
Send thy Samaritan, pick me up, lighten this load

prayers and scriptures

Turning my heart to God in prayer for guidance, help, knowledge, wisdom… anything to get me through this. Anything to help. Prayed again today for the second time.

Opened my scriptures for the first time in a while. I never know what to do in these situations, where to turn to for revelation, guidance. I don’t like to play scripture roulette where I open to a random section and start reading, but I know that the word of God is good, all of it is good. All of it enticeth to do good. So in theory, any section should bring me peace, but I wanted… I want guidance, Violet.

I want to know what I’m supposed to do here, specifically. Came across a scripture about fasting and praying often.

It’s as good a place to start as any. I’m turning my entire heart and will over to God. As usual, I’ve learned the hard way that when I try to cut him out of the equation… I mess up my life in a big way.

I just… In my prayer last night… it’s so funny when you pray for the first time in a while and aren’t used to the language, I was just sort of lying there in bed and started all formal and stuff but then I was like “God… I don’t know if I’ve earned any credit up there, any favors for the stuff I’ve done, the service I’ve rendered over all these years… but I could really use a miracle right now. I need miracles. I need angels. I need help. If there’s any way I can cash in on any blessings I have stashed up there, I need a miracle. I need help. I know I haven’t been good lately and I’m sorry for , but Lord… I need a miracle. Please, send everything you’ve got. Send all of it. I need a miracle. Please. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

I don’t know what he has in mind, but I’m going to keep praying. I’ve got nowhere else to turn. I need to… I need to find something to make things bearable, I need my burdens to be made light. I need this heart to heal, this soul to heal, to know this rage is gone for good, I need to find somebody to love, I need love, I need hope, I need to fill in all these cracks in me with something kind and good. I need help putting myself back together. I need peace. I need joy. I need hope.

I need hope. I need to be swallowed up in the love of God. I need… I need to be me again. I need something, anything at this point. I need the balm of gilead, that healing water, that milk and honey. This pain is so unbearable. It hurts.

And instead of turning to you, I am starting to turn to the Lord. I suppose… I suppose that’s something.